Sometimes I wish I had less interests, which sounds like an odd thing to say I’m sure. The problem is that there is SO much I want to do everyday and there’s limited time to do it. I want to work on sewing and knitting project, as well as home projects. I want to visit my garden and spend time watering, harvesting and weeding. I want to sneak in a work out (I am currently obsessed with boxing!). I long to catch up with friends over coffee. I enjoy being in the kitchen trying new recipes along with old favorites. I love reading. I yearn to wander around town with my camera. And that doesn’t even touch on larger interests that I’d love to pursue with abandon, such as travel. But most of my time at home goes into mothering and running a household- and I feel privileged to spend my days doing this, don’t get me wrong. But you know how it goes…. Sometimes I even wonder if I should try to shift my mindset: less hobbies, less doing and more being. Yet these things bring me great joy, and each one brings a different sort of joy. Gardening invigorates me, knitting relaxes me, photography engages me… This has all been on my mind lately as the busyness of fall begins and I find myself trying to carve out a minute here or there. It has also been on my mind ever since I read Felicia’s post on “Craft in the Middle of Motherhood.” There are weeks, and months, and even years where these “hobbies” have been my lifeline, drawing me back to my whole self when I was lost in the fog of new motherhood.
As mother’s we are hardwired to feel guilt, I suppose. Are we doing enough? Are we giving enough? Are we providing enough? There are times when my guilt wells up- when I lose my patience and snap at the boys for something silly, or when I’m knitting on the couch and they ask me to play. Often it is evening time, and I’ve been caring for them all day, cooking for them, swimming with them, reading to them, and I just need a minute to unwind. But I feel guilty because I know they would love for me to play, and I know this time is fleeting and there will be a day when they want nothing to do with me. But where is that line between preserving one’s sanity, and cherishing every moment with your children? I don’t know the answer to this question, though it is one that I frequently ask myself. For now all I know is this- the vines were heavy with tomatoes, and the kale was overgrown, and the garden called for my attention, and I spent the evening hours there and it felt so good. That will have to be enough for now.